[ A 42 year old man rides a Royal Enfield 350 into the frame. He has black sunglasses on, black leather jacket, black leather boots, dark blue jeans and a black t-shirt with imagery of skull and fire. He takes off his sunglasses, looks into the camera and begins talking. ]
"Look at what we have here? Bucha' little wimps who’ve only now left their mother's teats! Wittle bed wetters wanna learn how to ride a bike? Hahaha! Well... I guess you did receive some of god's blessing to have come across me… Yeah, I'll teach you how to ride a bike alright. Ride a bike like a REAL MAN! You will learn to feel POWER between your legs!! Not like those losers whose biggest fear is accidentally liking your crush's photo when stalking them. If you're one of them sissies then you can leave. I don't entertain such lowlifes.”
[ The man gets off the bike and show's it with his hand. ]
"The first step is to admire this beauty. She been with me through thick and thin… I could never love my wife as much as I love her."
[ He caresses the bike. He speaks to it. ]
"My gurl, my Pegasus! Oh the places we've been to! The moments we've had! My only one regret in life is that I cannot make sweet love to you. Not that I haven't tried!"
[ The man remembers that he is in a public situation and clears his throat. ]
"...Anyways...Your first lesson is pretty simple. You straddle the bike by grabbing the handle bars, lifting your right leg as high as the moon and putting it down on the other side..."
[ He mounts the bike and turns it on. ]
"...Then you turn on the beauty. You listen to its melodic purr for a while, take in the delicious fumes..."
[ He closes his eyes and drags in the air with his nose, tilting his head up. ]
“...Next you rev up the engine loud enough to strike FEAR into your enemies’ hearts!!!”
[ He revs up the engine as loud as possible. ]
“Now all that’s left… is to go.”
[ He rides the bike out of the frame. ]
[Cut]
[ As he is riding the bike, he looks at the camera through the right side view mirror. ]
“If these simple first steps are already too hard for you to handle, then you are hopeless! Accept that you are a good-for-nothing dullard and kindly piss off!”
[ He rides the bike on a paved road. A car is in front of him. ]
“Lookie here! A metal cage ridin c***t! He tries to block our way. Now a normal wuss like you would stay back and be a goody little boy and pray for the merciful chance to go on ahead. NO! Overtake that son of a bitch and let him eat dust!”
[ He overtakes the car. ]
“The c***t thinks he’s better than us. Idiot paid more to stay in traffic longer. Hahahaha!”
[ Another bike is in front of him now and in front of the bike is another car. The bike is trying to overtake the car but stops short because a jeep comes from the opposite direction. ]
“Yeah I run into limp di*ks like you every now and then. Losers who believe in ‘lanes’. Use the whole road.”
[ The man turns right, to the end of the opposite lane. The jeep coming towards him slows. He maneuvers past the bike, the car and the jeep, just barely missing them. The jeep driver shouts profanity at him. ]
“The c***t wastes his breath. I have no time to listen to such pathetic whimpers.”
[ Next a pedestrian is crossing the road in front of him. ]
“Remember that these on-foot peasants, don’t belong on the road and are an offense to proud bikers like us. Increase speed, rev up, blow your horn loud and proud, to scare the living shit out of them, so that they do not DARE stand in your way the next time.”
[ The pedestrian freezes in fear as the bike barrels towards him, blowing its horn repeatedly. It zooms past, barely missing him. ]
“Hahaha! Love the look on their faces, every, single, time! Me, the death incarnate, rolling the dice on whether to spare him. Hahahaha!”
[ A tipper is now in front of him. ]
“Here’s the big boss. The goliath. He who thinks is the king of the road. I see no king. I see a beaten down, defeated, bum, who’s overcompensating.”
[ He goes near the tipper. ]
“This is where we separate the men from the pussies. Those who dare to flirt with it and come out the other end are the true men and deserving of all the riches of the road.”
[ The tipper driver sees the bike in his right side view mirror. The driver smirks and moves right to block him. The bike next appears in his left side view mirror. The driver smirks again and moves left and blocks him again. Now the driver doesn’t see the bike in any of his mirrors and is satisfied. ]
“Just when he thinks he’s won… go in for the kill!”
[ The man on the bike is behind the tipper. The road ahead curves to the right. A car from the opposite lane is coming. Just before the bend, the man twists the throttle all the way and does a wheelie. He goes to the opposite lane and uses the incoming car as a platform to jump the bike, which lands on the top of the tipper. The driver feels the weight of the bike on the tipper and is completely caught by surprise. He cannot understand what is happening, till the bike appears from the top and in front of his windshield and lands on the road ahead. The bike exhaust blows smoke all over the windshield. The driver is left befuddled—blinded and coughing, while the bike drives on ahead, onto the open road. ]
“Happy ridin’ boys!”
[ The man smirks as we cut to a spectacular cinematic montage of the man riding his bike to a chill 80’s soundtrack. At the end of the montage, the man rides the bike into the ginormous setting sun. ]
[Fade out]
[ The man stops his bike, noticing a roadblock in front of the road. ]
“Oh! I almost forgot…”
[ It’s a traffic police checking stop. ]
“Motherf***rs who believe that a piece of paper dictates who gets to be on the road and who don’t. Well they ain’t catching me alive. Not today. Not ever. Remember, you don’t need that piece of bullcrap that they call a license. It’s the road that dictates who gets to ride it.”
[ The man turns the bike around and takes a detour. ]
THE END